4.20 a.m. Still on the electric fence.
Can’t sleep. So tired.
Can’t eat. So hungry.
Can’t think. So much to sort out.
6.25 a.m. Messed with the photos. Will try to eat something now, then go lie down next to Cliff.
This is my tea cup and my cereal bowl. Part of my ‘365 grateful’ project, taking a picture of something I am grateful for every day. Grateful I can hold something in my tummy without being sick this morning.
7.07 a.m. Will go back to bed in a few moments. Just a note that I liked the new psycho-onc (psychologist specializing in oncology issues) we met with last night. She comes to the house. Kinda cool.
I was calm, composed and probably appeared to hold it together. Until about three-quarters of the way through our appointment, when she explained something and I sat, trying not to cry, until it was so obvious I was trying not to cry that she asked, ‘Do you want to share what’s on your mind?’ I tried to speak but just cried.
I gathered myself up, thought she deserved an explanation for the tears, and told her she had just made something clear to me that everyone has been saying to me all week.
Everyone has been saying, ‘Be in the moment.’ I sort of know what that means, I think. But it was also a scary thing to talk about, because it seems to mean, ‘Enjoy right now, because you are not going to have Cliff later.’ So I’ve hated that expression this week.
But the new psycho-onc, Liz, explained the ‘now’ is a safe place to be. She acknowledged that the doctors are telling us there will be a lot of hurt in the future. But she assured us that we don’t know what the future will bring. So why go there? Why scare yourself or hurt yourself? Be here. Be kind to yourself. You need the strength. It’s safe here. You are O.K. here. You are O.K. now. You can do things here. Now. You can’t do anything about things you don’t know about. You haven’t yet built or acquired the tools you may need for the future. Be here. Be now.
Then we talked about taking care of things for the future. Because when you have children, how can you not think about and plan for the future? Cliff and I have been talking about creating lasting messages for the kids at certain points in their lives and are wondering how we do that when we’re not supposed to ‘be in the future’ and Liz explained, ‘That is not living in the future, that is simply taking care of things for “peace of mind”.’
Part of her psycho-onc McHappy Meal (the things she tells everyone) is: ‘There are three things you can do with your issues. Address. Resolve. Let go.’ If you have an issue, you have power because you can choose which of those three things you want to do.
Cliff wasn’t as convinced about her as I was, I don’t think. But he did like her better than the first. I think we have another appointment next week with a counsellor from his work. He wants as many tools as he can get to fight this emotional battle we’ve been thrust into. I want the right tools. So we will meet with these professionals and choose the one or ones that are right for us.
8.30 a.m. More quiet. More calm. We are grateful for this huge, healthy, quietness the children enjoy.