Grateful in a big way for a small thing. Washed the boys lunch bags in the machine and they came up beautiful. Thought I was going to have to purchase new ones for the start of the school year (follows the calendar year in Australia). So pleased I don’t have to spend our money on new lunch bags now. The things I’m excited about, honestly. But it feels right to get excited about saving money. I’ve never been particularly careful with money. I like to give it away. My greatest joy, but also biggest financial weakness, is buying gifts for friends and family. I care only for happiness, peace and love. I figured money would sort itself out. But I think caring more about our financial situation is going to be important. It feels like the correct, mature approach. I’m 42 and still growing up. Not good that I’m not grown up but not bad that I keep trying.
Feels like these little clouds are everywhere in my day.
Especially above my steering wheel. Every time I get in the car, I cry. There is too much quiet there, not enough noise to drown out the fear and sadness.
10.00 a.m. I am driving to IKEA with Tom and I am thinking about problems I might face with the boys in their teenage years if Cliff is not here. Before, during and after my off-ramp, I contemplated that, until Tom says, ‘Mum, it’s the city! Look, I can see the big buildings! Are we supposed to be in the city?’ Oh my goodness! Next off-ramp I turn around and drive back to IKEA. I get out and reach for my handbag (purse). It’s not there! I’ve left it at home.
Wow. We have to go back.
Not productive, this ‘thinking forward’ business. Another good reason to pull myself into the current moment and stop thinking about the future. I will practice it harder.
10.15 p.m. Hook Happy. Ikea must love a crisis. Since Cliff was diagnosed, I’ve had this odd, compelling feeling that I must get the house organized. It needs to be an oasis of peace and calm. I doubt if I’m alone there. When your life is spinning out of control, you need to grab firmly onto something and control it. I’ve never been compelled to be neat before and, sadly, I don’t think I am now. But it’s just this urge I have for the simple things to be easier.
We can’t fight this battle with clear, calm heads if we spend five minutes looking for underwear in the morning, ten minutes finding the receipt to return the freezer I just bought (to store the wonderful food that is arriving) in exchange for a bigger one. Piles of clothes and paper lying around steal my energy. Every time I look at them I think, ick, I need to do something about that and, before I know it, everywhere I look in our house, there is a job that needs doing. So I am organizing the jobs away from my face. If everything has a place, in theory, it should be easy to find and easy to put away.
It’s not exactly an overwhelming feeling, this tidiness compulsion, it’s more of an underlying urge that is always there and when I have some time I let it take over and I organize something, a cupboard, some shelves, a room, some drawers.
For the past ten days it has been hooks. It seems, suddenly, that the solution for everything is … a hook!
A shower cap hook
A hand and face towel hook for each boy.
Hooks for everything. I’ve gone hook mad.
And hooks for things that don’t even need hooks, in case one day they need a hook. The hook is ready.
And I bought a new bedside table. I’ve got a tall pile of chaos balancing on my current bedside table (night stand). I found my old bedside table on the side of the road 11 years ago, I painted black in an effort to try and make it less roadside-trash-ish and it’s done the job until now. Becuase I’m thinking; If I’m not worried about everything toppling off my bedside table when I reach for my clock, that’s got to help make me feel more calm, right?
I don’t know why, but something inside me thinks it will.
Tomorrow I will organize my old bedside table into this new one.